Numbers aren’t real, but they are useful.

Numbers aren’t real; they’re just labels for that which has been counted.

Hold up your left hand. How many fingers are on it? Now, obviously, depending on who’s reading this article, the answers have the potential to be varied. There are, of course, people with no left hand at all. I would apologize for my insensitivity, but, since our entire modern counting system is built upon the fact that most of us have ten fingers across our (also-not-always-but-definitely-usually) two hands, I’ll go ahead and assume that your answer is five.

Now, for my next trick, you may think that I’ll ask about the fingers on your right hand. Instead of that, take your right and and use it—as one does with hands—to try to take the five from your left hand. No, not the five fingers; leave those alone. It’s the five itself that I want you to grab. Stop that—leave the fingers alone. Just take the five.

What’s that? You can’t take the five because five is an intangible, ethereal, incorporeal, disembodied, insubstantial, abstract concept that doesn’t really exist and therefore cannot be truly grasped?

I’m glad we agree.

Now that we’ve taken the matter into our own hands—well, now that we’ve discovered that we can’t take the matter into our hands because the matter with numbers is that they are no matter at all—let’s turn the matter of numbers on its own non-existent head.

Stop saying them that way

You need to stop honoring numbers, especially big ones, by saying those numbers “correctly.” Because those numbers don’t exist, the only person you’re honoring by saying your numbers correctly is your fourth grade teacher—and he or she no longer cares about this particular behavior of yours.

The number 4,625, for example, does not have to be “four thousand six hundred twenty-five.” Below are some alternatives with which you can experiment:

• forty-six hundred twenty-five
• forty-six twenty-five
• just above forty-six hundo
• four six two five

That last one is our favorite sometimes. It really depends on the circumstances, of course. As perfect-scoring test takers, however, our circumstances rarely involve pleasing fourth grade teachers with how we say our numbers.

Let’s put it this way: nobody who articulates the number 1,376,315,491 like this—“one billion three hundred seventy-six million three hundred fifteen thousand four hundred ninety-one”—has that much money to talk about.

Instead, that number – 1,376,315,491 – is one point four billion. Even writing out “one point four” in words—as opposed to 1.4—was more efficient than saying it the other, “correct” way.

Get irreverent

Now that you’ve stopped honoring big numbers by saying them correctly, it’s time we trickle down the irreverence to even smaller numbers.

Try out this exercise:

60	six-ty
70	seven-ty
80	eighty
90	nine-ty
100	ten-ty
110	eleven-ty
120	twelve-ty

11 x 2 = 22

Eleven times two is twenty-two

110 x 2 = 220

Eleven-ty times two is twenty-two-ty

Arbitrary Delineations

Look at your calendar. Mine says September 7th. That means it’s also August 38th.

Next time you microwave a burrito, try typing :90 instead of 1:30. Or perhaps :75 instead of 1:15. Press start, and the same amount of time will pass, even though it looks different when counting down.

Look at your clock. Mine currently says “10:07.” Another way to say that same time is “nine sixty-seven” (9:67). If that sounds strange, stick with me here:

At some point, it was 9:58 (nine fifty-eight);
then, it became 9:59 (nine fifty-nine);
then, it became 9:60 (nine sixty), eventually going seven more minutes to become 9:67 (nine sixty-seven)—otherwise known as 10:07.

Why does this kind of number play matter? A standardized test may refer to the number 26,400 as 26.4 thousand or 2.64 ten thousand or even .264 hundred thousand. You need to be flexible.

Stop working from right to left

I know, I know. I say some crazy things sometimes. After all, you’ve been learning math for several years now—not to mention doing math—and one of the most reliable components of this “doing math” thing is that you go from right to left. In other words, you start at the units digit, and then you work toward the left, carrying ones and tens as you go.

I’ll put it this way: I didn’t get a perfect score on standardized tests until I stopped working numbers that way.

We’ll leave you for now with this bit of mystery. Namely, “Well, if I shouldn’t work my numbers from the right to the left, then whatever should I do?”

Stay tuned for more.